My real problem in general is, to put it plainly, homophobia towards closet gay men and both open and closeted bisexual men. No real issues with women. Probably because these are the men who could possibly make life for me (and other ladies like myself) a total mess. A total mess. Kinda like a person who would not go near a huge collection of water if they can’t swim.. and obviously, flooding would be a pretty scary thing.

Men can be problematic in general.. why have ones that can make things even more problematic?

End-of-year exams are in six weeks or so.

So, yeah, things are as per-usual.

I do get nagging thoughts when I come across a gay singer, gay actor, gay movies, gay-related e-mails from mixed orientation relationship groups, etc.

Guy has been working out so he’s looking hot and it’s all mine. Yep, his own words. Guys, he’s not availble in case you didn’t already know.

Whoop. Maybe will write a bit more sometime during a study break.

Gym time. Yawn.

Things have been going quite smoothly. Guy is straight and although in the back of my mind I am not 100% sure, I am happy not to question it. I am too busy, anyway.

Finals are in approximately ten weeks. I have re-joined rowing and there’s a big race in two and a bit weeks. There’s an essay to rush and maybe a job to apply for as well.

On top of that, electives to sort out. Summer holidays to plan. Driving exams to apply and study for. Family to call (and visit). Friends to catch up with and………

Life’s too short to be sitting here. Sleep time!!

I am poking and putting some tuna jacket potato in my mouth when I start to feel sick.

He goes on anyway, saying that God sent two of his angels down to Lot. All the men of Sodom ask their leader to hand the angels over to them so they can get to know them better.

I don’t know. I think I am eating faster before I get too sick to eat. I wonder if he can see me slouching and avoiding eye contact with not a smile in my face. I think he is talking faster to get the story in. I don’t interrupt.

He says that instead of handing over the angels, Lot gives them his two virgin daughters so that they can clear their sins. I am a bit slow so I didn’t see a problem with that.. in my mind I thought of it as more of a symbolic gesture of putting women (and more than two) into these people’s lives. Guy exclaims, “Can you imagine, to stop them from doing what they were doing, he’s handing over his two daughters to get gang raped!”

By then, I told him that even though I am resistant to discussing loo matters over food, this was one step too far. Maybe three months ago, I’d have just thought it a ridiculous subject but now, after all the hurt, confusion and pain plus that sickening feeling.. really.. did you not see my face saying, “Stop. Shut up?”

Don’t we love denial? Maybe ignorance. It is convinient to deny that there’s a problem. It is easy to plead ignorance.

At the same time, I also wondered if that was what my relationship with Guy is about right now. Denial. Things are good now. Great? It is not safe to say that just yet. He says he is a straight man. I wondered if he is now living in denial because it is less headache, pain and therefore easier on the both of us. I wondered if I am in denial when I feel that I do not need to challenge his sexuality anymore. I wondered if it is easier to just believe his answer and believe him that he will not put me and himself through such unnecessary confusion and hurt.

Am I in denial or am I creating a problem that is non-existant? I would think the latter category would befit the situation better but there is a lingering bit that wonders if this is all denial.

Otherwise, life is alright. It is not the happiest time of my life and I am just trying to move along and out of this phase.

The soap opera scene. Probably an important part but I really don’t want to re-live it. The phase of normality prior to that and Guy’s subsequent knowledge about it helped restore order. Well, basically, Guy was have emotional issues during prior to the soap starting. Ok, that’s about it!

Today, I re-joined rowing for this term. It is another four weeks to the last big race so… I hope it is still not tooooo late. I am tired but I have been more tired before. Rowing just makes me miss some of my friends and a part of my life that’s now in the past. I am not the best friend a person could have but I wish I could tell my friends how they really have brightened and coloured my life without being too cheesy or sounding not sincere.

Then, there’s clinics and teathers to attend. But, I find the way the year has been laid out really unmotivating. Whatever really. Just get on with it.

Things seem like they are back to normal. I hope I haven’t spoken too soon. I have to admit that sometimes I still wonder about the whole homosexuality thing but he says it is no longer a part of him or a problem. He says it will never be, again. And, I believe him and put it away for that moment.

Maybe I should get my future read…

Both left and right had idle chatter going on until 12 midnight.

The neighbour closet to my bed stopped at a fairly acceptable time. The neighbour closest to my desk continued on till 2am plus. The guy is actually ok, he is a dickhead. His girlfriend is not so ok, she’s a dickhead’s cow. So usually when they chat, I never sleep because they’d fucking throw shrill laughter at when I am about to doze off. So I have learnt to be anxious. So rather than sleep or let Guy go home, I’d rather spend the night in confusion and tears rather than feeling jittery and anxious.

Guess what’s next door tonight again. A dickhead and his cow.

Or have all men now found, think, want, need, whatever, with other men alluring, easier, fulfilling, whatever?

If you are feel that you are the exlusively heterosexual, loving, caring and understanding gentleman who comes across this, please drop a line and give me hope that this line of men still exists. No, don’t worry, this crazy woman doesn’t want to date you. This crazy woman just want to know if such men still exist or was it all a horrible ideal that no one told me didn’t exist.

Don’t know what to think.

Why?

Don’t answer. The truth does nothing but hurt and I already know some where inside of me.